What should we do when a child doesn’t want to go to school…ever? The standard approach is to assume something is wrong with the child and to use a combination of incentives and disincentives to get them to go. It feels like there is no other choice–go even if it’s distressing and even at great cost to mental health, well-being, and family relationships.

There may be times when this approach is useful for particular kids and particular situations, but what if the young person isn’t the issue? What if the school environment is just not a place where that child can thrive? And to be honest, can we blame them? Have you spent a day in a typical school lately? Is it the kind of place that you would want to spend a large part of your day?

In theory, the average school may seem like a fairly cozy place to grow up: a nice big safe building with lots of responsible adults, potential friends, a steady routine, and a square meal every day. Many adults remember their time in high school fondly, even as some of the best years of their lives. And those who don’t, those who remember school being tough, often think of the tough times as part of growing up. However, there are at least a few challenges to this line of thinking. 

First, modern schools are very different from the schools most adults grew up in. Yes, they have a host of new conveniences, but they also have a host of new problems and pressures. Secondly, “tough” as an obstacle to success can mature a person, but problems that have arisen over time from flaws in a system, may actually hinder healthy development. Lastly, a person can, and perhaps should, adjust to an environment they hate from time to time. Many people feel that way every time they go grocery shopping. But seven hours a day, five days a week? That’s half a young person’s life. 

One approach to school avoidance is to reframe it as an environmental mismatch and not a personal failing of the child or a diagnosable condition. As adults, we recognize that the environment can have a gigantic impact on our motivation, productivity, and happiness. You would not expect an active person who loves being outdoors to be happy sitting inside at a desk job all day. Why would we expect young people who prefer smaller, quieter, more independent and flexible situations to thrive in a conventional school?

For consideration, here are some environmental factors in conventional schools that could cause school avoidance. If a child is avoiding school for any of these reasons, alternative educational environments may be a better fit.

Physical Space

Typically, schools are very large buildings, but despite all that space, they are often quite crowded. Additionally, the environment itself usually feels institutional with hard floors, hard furniture, strong overhead lighting and minimal decor. For some teens, this kind of environment can feel oppressive. A smaller building with comfortable spaces for groups, spaces for kids to spend time alone, and even outdoor spaces to be enjoyed, can make a real difference. Carpet, curtains, upholstery, lamps, and fun decor can affect a person’s ability to relax and therefore to learn even though these are seemingly superficial changes. Additionally, the ability to move more freely around the space and grounds can be extremely helpful in putting people in a mindset for learning.

Time

The way students’ time is spent in a typical school can be problematic. For some kids, it can feel boring and constricting, for others, rushed and overwhelming. Usually, students get little choice in how they spend their time or what they study, both during and after school. Many students feel overscheduled. The school day is rushed and inflexible with no wiggle room. The day begins very early and there is little time for passing between classes, lunch and socializing. For some kids, evenings and weekends are dominated by homework, studying, and preparing for deadlines, instead of spending time with friends and family or learning things of interest that aren’t taught in school. People are unique, teens included, and many would benefit from a slower pace, the ability to spend more time on a special interest, or opportunities to socialize under natural and lower pressure conditions.

Peer Relationships

Bigger isn’t better for everyone. Some teens, like some adults, prefer and thrive in small peer groups. The appeal of a large group is that there are more potential friends from which to choose. But this is also what can make very large same-age populations problematic. The student body often breaks down into social cliques based on broad interests, superficial identities, and style. As a result, there is high pressure to conform to rigid social standards within these groups and at large in the form of speech, dress, and expressed interests. In small mixed-age groups, exclusive cliques are harder to form and have less influence. Connections among students are largely based on proximity and temperament. Young people who are quite different become friendly, accept one another’s differences, and even learn to appreciate them. Therefore, small groups allow more freedom for kids to be themselves.

Connections with Adults

Kids, especially big kids, can get a lot more out of their educational experience when they make meaningful connections with their teachers and counselors. This is much harder to do in typical large schools for a couple reasons. One, students have far fewer and more superficial interactions with the adults in the building. Over the fast-paced day, their best chance of talking to a teacher is during class with 20 or so other students. Though student-teacher ratios in public schools can appear low, the total number of students a general education teacher has in all of their classes is quite large. When we taught in a public high school, we often had well over 100 students in a given year. Guidance counselors are typically responsible for considerably more students than that. 

Secondly, when personal interactions are lacking, teachers’ supervisory and disciplinary roles are more pronounced, making supportive relationships with kids even less likely as it creates a seeming conflict of purpose. With 100+ students, a teacher’s primary interactions with them individually are, by default, grading their work and addressing those distracting the rest. This can put kids off and make teachers appear unapproachable. In a different setting, those same students could not only learn from adults, but talk with them, get to know them and be known, understood, even mentored. During the teen years, at an age when most children are vying for independence from their parents, these positive connections with other dependable adults can be pivotal in their lives. 

Did you know?*

• NJ public high schools are often considerably larger than the national average at ~174,000 square feet. Consider West Windsor-Plainsboro North at 240,000 sq ft, which is almost exactly the same size as the largest Costco to date.
• The average number of kids in a NJ public high school is about 1000. West Windsor-Plainsboro North is at nearly 1500 kids. For reference, the big Costco store will employ ~340 people…so just imagine it with 1,200 or so customers.
• Thirty+ schools in the state have student populations that are 2-3 times the average. 
• The average Amazon warehouse employs up to 1500 full-time workers and the largest has 3000 employees, which is 300 fewer people than are enrolled at the largest NJ high school. 
• Working in a smaller environment is quite normal and a common reality among adults. Half the workers in NJ work for small businesses.
• The average start time to the school day in NJ is 7:45 AM, meaning there are thousands of kids whose “work” day begins well before then with the earliest in the state opening to students at 6:55 AM in the morning!
• According to Edweek Research Center, 75% of teachers report that their students get less than a ½ hour for lunch, with 21% reporting students receive less than 20 minutes to sit, eat (possibly buy) food, socialize, clean up, and leave.
• According to US News, some polls show teens averaging 1-3 hours of homework per night after a full school day, after-school activities, games, etc.

*For consistency, school statistics included in this post are based on NJ high schools when possible. We do have a center in Eastern Pennsylvania, where the statistics would vary but generally be similar in scope and impact.

School avoidance can be distressing and confusing for both parents and children. It can be transformational to reframe school avoidance as an opportunity to really understand the right-fit environment for a child. We suggest using the information above and having a conversation with your child to help determine what is really going on in his/her situation.

(photo credit: Pete, cropped, public domain)